The Intelligence of Avoidance
If you prefer to listen, here you go! Otherwise, read on…
The holidays are supposed to bring peace, but they often bring pressure. And no one feels that harder than the woman trying to hold it all together.
Last week we explored how to trust yourself in the middle of the inevitable holiday chaos. We dove a bit deeper in the process I’ll be teaching this Thursday on the Substack live with Maggie Pounds.
This week, we’ll explore the hardest part of the holiday season: having the tough conversations with yourself that you’d rather avoid. I know this is a super tough one because we’re not comfortable with embracing that which we’d rather avoid – especially if it means that we have make a different choice that interrupts the status quo of our lives.
Here’s how that manifested in my life this week: my son’s forest school is falling apart; we suddenly found ourselves with no childcare. Now, I could blame x, y, and z if I wanted to and I could rage against the whole thing. It might even feel good to do so. But, would it make my life any better?
Instead, I am choosing to focus on the intelligence of having created this reality in my life, and how to move forward.
What does all this presuppose? From my way of seeing the world:
Everything I’m living is of my own creation—which means I take responsibility, and I get to be in the driver’s seat for what’s next;
Everything I’m living is intelligent—there’s always wisdom in what we create, so I aim to stay in empowerment by questioning the intelligence, not in ‘victim-to’;
Everything I’m living is my choice. Yikes, I know. So let me explain…
For over a year, I sensed this would happen. Not because I had concrete “evidence,” or even an intuitive hunch. It’s just—I know how to read experience through The CODE Model™, and deep down, I knew. Yet I still chose to ignore it.
So, the only question worth asking is: what’s the intelligence in that?!
The risk of daring to want
For most women, it feels risky to admit what they want, or need. We have spent a lifetime tiptoeing around our own wants and needs because, historically, it has been unsafe for us to want. So we pretend that we don’t want, or that what we want is what the people we love want. That way, we believe we are ensuring feeling safe in the presence of our loved ones.
But that comes at a massive personal cost – over 75% of women report they avoid difficult inner truths to keep the peace. In other words, women choose to self-betray for fear of standing out, losing approval, or being “too much.”
So instead of facing our reality head on, we put on blinders that allow us to sustain the status quo without offending anyone (except, of course, ourselves).
In my case with childcare, I ignored the unfolding collapse in favour of a false hope that it would last the year. That is the intelligence of me ignoring it – it would buy me time, because I want to work (and I held it as an either/or until now).
What might be a truth you’re noticing about yourself that you are unwilling to own, inside yourself? What might be the intelligence of pretending it’s not so?
The Boundary Moment
The most powerful and effective boundary you and I could have is authenticity. To be honest and real with ourselves so that we don’t get into situations that we resent (ourselves or another). That’s the real ‘work’ – it’s not about others, it’s about saying no so self-betrayal.
🎧 BTW: Want to hear this explored live?
Last week, Maggie Pounds and I talked through this exact process—how to stay centered and honest with yourself, even when holiday chaos hits.
I know it’s hard because women are rewarded for self-betrayal with “good girl” points. We are not rewarded for being authentic. In fact, for most of us, declaring the truth of our experience out loud got us into so much trouble that we stopped wanting to hear ourselves. That’s how we end up living cloaked from our own truth.
The reward for unintentional inauthenticity —that is, for showing up in ways that aren’t really true to you, often without even realizing it— is a life of anxiety, burnout, and low self-esteem.
If you’re hearing “it’s your fault” from what I’m sharing, you’re missing the point. That’s a totally irrelevant line of inquiry.
Instead, I encourage you to consider what beliefs might be getting the way of you being honest with yourself.
How does it serve you to pretend you don’t know, when you do?
Where are you noticing yourself making excuses, justifying, or tolerating the intolerable?
This isn’t about you being right or wrong; it’s about whether you want to continue to live the familiar way.
From Pretending to Owning
Here’s a truth most of us resist: owning the truth you carry comes with consequences. It will rock the boat. But who says that’s a bad thing? Especially when the reality you’re living is stressing you out.
There is an alternative, and you have to choose it, if you want to live it.
Because, like in my case, you will have to come face to face with the thing you’re avoiding.
The question becomes: Do you want to be caught off guard and scrambling to react, or do you want to be confidently in the driver’s seat of your life, steering where you go next?
You get to choose.
Now is the moment.
Last chance to join us live this Thursday.
While I have shared with you the basics of the four part process I’ll teach live this Thursday. In two hours, you’ll learn and practice how to:
Notice your internal state as it’s happening—and stay aware rather than abandoning yourself.
Hold your centre in hard conversations without playing “nice.”
Learn how to choose your response (not your old pattern) when a trigger hits.
Leave family gatherings without the resentment hangover.
Know whether deeper work with WEL-Systems® is right for you.
If you’re done betraying yourself to survive the holidays, this workshop gives you the process—and support—you need.
💬 If a workshop isn’t the right space for you but this conversation resonates, hit reply. I’ll share a few other ways we could work together—or just offer a few questions to help you keep going.
If you’re feeling the pressure of the season and are not ready for a deeper dive in coaching and community...
Check out the Holiday Season Survival Kit, by Louise LeBrun.
Curious about what gets in the way of you living authentically?
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