The Paradox of Being Alive
Image photographed by my dear husband on our latest camping trip.
There are moments that last days that all I want to do is avoid what’s moving through my body. The tears behind my eyes want to make their way out, but I keep trying to reason with them and make them them make sense.
They don’t.
They just want to flow.
But my heart hurts, and I feel raw. I feel stripped of any protective armor and an indescribable grief takes over me. The grief of losing an undefined someone who’s still here — the romanticizing of pain, because if I feel it now then when the inevitable happens, it won’t hurt as bad.
I can’t even be bothered to distract myself through this persistent, undulating wave. I have no desire to work, or play, or create other than what I’m drawn to fully in the moment.
It’s as if my body can not engage in anything other than what feels real.
It’s a seemingly contradictory state, this one.
But in reality, it’s more paradoxical — the internal compression making room to free what’s there for more of me to emerge. The pressure of the undefined-yet-systemic pain is the invitation to surrender for eventual peace. Following the information wherever it takes me.
Nothing can distract it or stop it or delay it. It’s here. And it’s happening. So I surrender to the vulnerability of it all. I trust it. I be with it.
Where will this take me? I don’t know.
Life is so simple, yet so complex. I can hold it all. But I cannot hold it all together. Life will life, and all I can do is show up, however the moment demands. Sometimes it’s sprints and bursts of creative energy; other times it’s crying over bad T.V. (though, let’s face it, it’s not about the show, is it?).
I wish I had a story to tell you. To lull you into understanding. But all I have is felt sensations that demand: write. What if nothing is figure-out-able? What is everything is whole and complete? What if life is enjoyed as it is?
I look around my little cocoon of a life and I am immensely grateful — from the depths of my soul — for the life that I’ve built on this planet Earth. Metaphorical brick by brick, literal choice by choice. Each breath an invitation to surrender to the now, the only moment that ever exists. The only moment that demands we show up, and engage.
Here & now is where life is lived. Yet so many of us seek to live in the past, or in future that does not exist. We insist on pulling ourselves out of the moment, and seeking to be anywhere else. So, we suffer. I mean, we reeeeally fucking suffer, because we don’t want to be ‘here’ or ‘now’.
Yet ‘here’ and ‘now’ is all ever there is.
Fleeting, yet infinite. Now never ends. It’s always now. Not a moment ago, and not a moment from now.
To intuitively know one’s self as quantum is to embrace the seemingly absurd; to make sense of the lived paradox that I AM.
To trust one’s biology is know one’s self as divine. Make friends with our mind. Have different conversations about what it means to be infinite yet expanding.
I always knew there was no point in following the cultural status quo — it hurt too much. But what do you do when you feel trapped in cage with poison for food feeling like there’s no way out?
And how much do you brace against staying put once you know the prison of your life was always all illusion sustained by your mind?
Take the heavy chains off, and you see a different reality. Shift your perceptual filters and you shift how you relate to yourself and life. Change your mind, change your life.
Let yourself feel whatever is here. Give yourself permission to trust it. What if everything that shows up is a messenger of truth? I’d think it would be wise to learn to speak its language — wouldn’t you?
Over the years, The CODE Model™ has become my absolute best friend.
It is not just a framework and it is certainly not a diagnostic — it is a 2D representation of the essence of our Being. It is multidimensional. It is multifaceted. It is literally the key to translating the body’s ancient language with the soul (or as we say, the Signal from Self).
It is the ‘hitchhikers guide to the galaxy’ of Self (as a client recently said).
The truth is, human beings are infinite beings having a finite experience.
We are passengers through time and Space, creating infinite possibilities of realities to experience ourselves differently.
Fractals of an infinite mind, replicating itself uniquely.
Oh the beauty of being alive! It’s rich. It’s enlivening. It’s everything.
So, I just choose to listen the impulses of my body, and create my reality meaningfully. This doesn’t require I leave my life and move to the mountains of Tibet and be with the monks to acquire their wisdom; it simply requires I be with and hear mySelf.
The only question worth asking is: am I willing?
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Here & now is where life is lived. Yet so many of us seek to live in the past, or in future that does not exist.