Perhaps it’s our greatest lesson and one we only begin to fully accept and understand, as we age. Choices. It’s a tough one either when someone we love chooses other than we would like… or simply abdicates from choosing at all. And all we can do is remember that it’s not for us to change things or choose for anyone else but oursSelves. Another life lesson, and one that is not always easy to accept.
On the morning of my 67th birthday, I realized that it was 50 years ago that I’d started Grade 13. And, for some reason that I can’t intellectualize, I found myself crying about that.
Was it because I haven’t achieved the goals I thought were so important to me when I was 17? At the time, I knew that I wanted to go to university and become a teacher. And I did accomplish those goals. I also thought that I had to be slim and svelte so that how I looked would map to what my culture at the time decreed was physically desirable. Well, that one I haven’t achieved. And I know now that if anyone is put out by my physical appearance that’s all about them and their issues and has nothing to do with me. I thought I had to have a boyfriend and get married and have a family. And I knew that I didn’t want to have children and felt that there must be something wrong with me because I felt that way. And I’ve never had a boyfriend. Oh I’ve had boy-slash-friends over my life but never a ‘boyfriend’ [how Amy Farah Fowler of me]. I wanted to be a good writer and a musician. And I know that I’ve accomplished those goals and continue to do so. And still there were tears.
I guess it was a day for introspection. …
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