It is a few days before Mother’s Day. I walk in to Chapters with some time to sit and have a coffee. Large banners are hanging from the ceiling: “A Mother holds her children’s hands for a while, their hearts forever”. This is definitely a statement that tugs at my sentimental side. And yet I know without a doubt that when I, like you, hear or see the word mother, the experience of that word inside my body conjures up many sensory cues that do not necessarily align with that statement. If you were to take just a minute and allow that word to rumble through your body, what would you notice? Tightening in the throat perhaps, butterflies in the tummy, tingling in the hands? The word mother is a noun that describes an experience and with all such words, our bodies hold much information for us beyond what we are consciously aware of. I have chosen to speak about motherhood because I have great compassion for mothers and great passion for children. My greatest personal discoveries come from my desire to be a better mother, my greatest gift is my children’s eyes reflecting back to me what I need to discover for myself. I have chosen to speak about motherhood first and foremost because I am now enjoying my experience of mother much better than I used to and my children’s eyes are reflecting back to me that they like the change.
Reflections of a Mother
Mother’s Day, like birthdays, is often a time when I stop and reflect on what is happening in my life. On this particular Mother’s Day, I stopped and pondered about my experience of being a mother and discovered that I can genuinely say that I am exuberant about it. What has made it so is not so much that finally my kids do what I ask, because they don’t. It is not so much because they choose as I would want them to, because it is not always so. It is mostly because in my role as mom I have become comfortable in showing up as me, all of me, and that has become the best way for me to be with my daughters. When I can relax into the role by just being me, I am less concerned about shaping them and molding them into becoming successful, respectable, responsible, socially and physically active adults and more concerned about them being at ease with just being themselves. And I feel more connected with them that way. What does that look like? I impose fewer rules and engage in many conversations. I become curious about their behavior and less judgmental. I am aware of my fears knowing that they belong to me and I am more open to trusting my daughters and myself. I am very aware of what I express to them and how I consciously choose.
Upon reflection I notice that it has always been my intention for my kids, to know themselves and be themselves. And yet, I know that in the early years of motherhood, many of my choices were not guided by my intention but rather by my habituated reactions. It was when I realized that my reactions were triggered by my children but were really about me that I started to become curious about what my children were reflecting back to me that was all about me. I wanted to be in a place where I could choose with intention rather than react. Being able to show up just as me required that I know who me was. It required that I like who me was. I needed to take some time to understand myself, the habits and strategies that were so embedded in who I had become, things that I had learned in my own early family systems that I was just passing on to the next generation. Some of those things were great and some I knew had kept me from experiencing what I wanted my children to experience.
There are times when I look in the faces of mothers with compassion knowing how easy it is to behave in ways that do not align with what they want for their children nor with how they feel about their children. I see that despite the love for their children that only a mother could understand, their behavior, their aura, their facial expressions communicate anything but love. When we are in turmoil inside of ourselves there are so many subtle and not so subtle ways that we communicate to our children that our love is conditional, that they are not good enough and many such damaging messages. And my heart cries out to those mothers knowing that they don’t know what else is possible. And my heart cries out to those children knowing that their lives are being shaped by their experience of their mother. With that kind of influence, I invite every mother to consider that the best way to mother is awake and consciously choosing.
Maybe it is time that we look at ourselves, not to blame ourselves but to understand what is driving our lives and if it is getting us where we want to go. I know that it is my children that woke me up to the need and desire to do that. It was OK for me to muddle through my life when my life was only about me. But when I became a mother that was no longer the case. I for one did not want to be sleeping through that job. I invite you to stay awake to your experience of motherhood. How are you engaging your life? What are you modeling to your children? What are you communicating to them through your choices? Whatever it is, I guarantee that they are taking on what they see and hear and feel and those things will shape the beliefs they will hold about the world and about themselves in the world that will drive their life. Will they move through life believing that the world is dangerous or safe? Will they move through life with an attitude of abundance or scarcity? Will they move through life believing in their resourcefulness or not? Start noticing how you move through your own life and know that without a doubt, how you do it will affect how they do it.
When you think of what it’s like for you to be a mother, what comes up? If you would like to create a better experience of motherhood, consider your children a great pathway to discovering more about yourself. I personally am dedicated, as CODE Model Coach and WEL-Systems Catalyst but also as Mother, to working with mothers who know that what they have is just not good enough. When I look back at my WEL-Systems experience one thing I know without one iota of uncertainty is that because of it, I have succeeded in creating a better experience for myself of being mother that naturally impacts my children’s experience of being children. In the coming months, I will be creating more opportunities for mothers to move towards what they want for themselves and their children. As of the end of June, a CD of a conversation on Parenting between Louise LeBrun, Founder of the WEL-Systems Institute and myself will be available. On July 17-21, I will be co-leading Igniting The Self with Louise. Consider the results that you now have and ask yourself if you want more. More is available.
Is it possible that in the word mother, maybe we forgot the e – Me - other?
Jackie Zirpdji, CODE Model Coach™, facilitator and educator is the founder of Transformations+, a WEL-Systems based business. Jackie is passionate about life and human potential and this makes her invitation to others to consider what is possible for them very authentic.
She combines her talent for asking great questions with her
talent for being present to the unfolding of the answers to create life-altering
experiences for all those that she works with as coaching clients or program
participants. For more information on Transformations+ see Jackie's website: www.coachingtransformations.com.
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